Banditlocks

ARTIFACT RECYCLING MANDATE

NOTICE TO ALL RESIDENTS IN POSSESSION OF ENCHANTED OBJECTS

DO YOU HAVE A COLLECTION OF ENCHANTING AMULETS AND MYSTICAL DEVICES THAT YOU CHERISH?

While these items may appear fascinating, they represent a critical security threat if left unsecured or improperly disposed of. If a magical item falls into the possession of a non-human animal, it may create a hostile magical mutation known as a BANDITLOCK.

A BANDITLOCK is a sentient, hyper-intelligent animal empowered by stolen magical artifacts. Once bonded to an item, the Banditlock will exhibit hoarding, aggressive defense behavior, coordinated attacks, and—if allowed—develop primitive magical societies. The danger cannot be overstated. Entire neighborhoods have been lost to unmonitored relics.

THIS IS NOT A THEORETICAL RISK

  • Greenville (1989) – An opossum accessed a soul-scrying pendant and triggered a 3-day dreamlock across seven homes.
  • Lynnfield (1996) – A raccoon clan with a discarded warding amulet seized control of the local sanitation district.
  • Unnamed Western Mass Incident (Classified) – Squirrel uprising led to the collapse of two leyline nodes. Casualties undisclosed.

Any magical object — even dormant — can become a threat when exposed to animal intelligence or communal nesting behaviors.

MANDATORY PREVENTION MEASURES

  1. INVENTORY: Record and track all magical items in your possession. Do not assume an object is inert. Artifacts retain dormant enchantments indefinitely.
  2. SECURE STORAGE: Items must be stored in containers approved for arcane containment. Never leave enchanted objects near windows, trash bins, chimneys, or porches.
  3. CHILD SUPERVISION: Do not allow children to handle magical objects without supervision. The innocence of youth is no defense against the fury of a Banditlock.
  4. DISPOSAL: If an item is unwanted, you must disenchant and dispose of it through registered agencies. DO NOT DONATE, BURY, OR “RETURN TO NATURE.”

LOOSE ARTIFACT? REPORT IMMEDIATELY

If you suspect a magical item has been misplaced or exposed to animal activity:

  • Do not retrieve it yourself.
  • Clear the area of food and personal effects.
  • Call 1-800-nolongerinuse and request Emergency Artifact Retrieval (Code Amber Wand).

All retrieval agents are trained in glyph-lure protocols and wildlife suppression.

AVAILABLE SERVICES

  • Emergency Item Retrieval™ – Starting at $89.95
    Licensed containment of loose enchanted objects, on-site cleansing, and post-exposure rune fogging.
  • Yard Audit & Ward Tracing – $149.95
    We scan trash zones, eaves, crawlspaces, and attics for forgotten or miscast relics and assess Banditlock risk vectors.
  • Wildlife Sentience Screening – Variable Rate
    Recommended if neighborhood raccoons or birds begin exhibiting tool use, mimicry, or glowing features.

KEEP CALM. LOCK IT UP. REPORT IT IN.

This has been a Public Service Announcement brought to you by the Council of Divination and Safety in partnership with Loud Investigations, your only local licensed Artifact Disposal Agency in Plymouth County.

The danger of Banditlocks is very real. Take responsibility. Keep magic out of the wrong paws.

Failure to comply with magical artifact recycling protocols may result in personal liability for dimensional damage or civilian enchantment. Magic is not biodegradable. Dispose with care.